I am nice because I’m scared,
and within the realm of social community,
niceness keeps me safe,
from the evil eye of negative judgment.
Because that’s all it takes,
for all the doors to close:
to be locked out of a group,
and fall out of civilization,
into,
homelessness, and
sheer life or death survival,
and,
that is what I fear.
Jobs, universities, friendships, lovers,
even family and saints:
being too much too much my self,
all have rolled up the faces and cast me out
too many times and too painful to recall.
I am terrified of other people,
but no individual can survive alone,
– not when nature is all gone,
and everything is owned –
so I am nice,
because to be well-liked,
is to be safe.
And while I do aspire to love and kindness,
niceness is really not the same,
it is really just the fearful smiling,
trying to make what they fear a friend.
Nice is not connection:
nice is not sincere.
I am well-aware,
niceness is a maladaptive survival strategy,
but fight or flight is where I ever seem to be.
Nice is not who I am,
even though, I can not seem to find a way out from here,
I can not show my fear, so
nice is what I’ll continue to be,
until there is enough safety,
in myself and my life,
to share myself, and be
sincerely mine, and so
sincerely yours,
in truth and unity.