Loneliness triggers me to disassociate the most,
In this life, I have no one: I matter to no one and no one matters to me.
I’ve been completely unable to form secure attachments of any kind.
My nervous system is so completely frozen by unresolved traumatic response; my hyper-vigilance filtering every interaction into fight or flight, that my every contact with another is a reaction, exaggerated with an intensity makes every dysfunctional.
Having never known respect or consideration, I am unable to consider the other in any of my interactions. In my heart I yearn for connecion but feeling to unsafe to speak from the heart and connect in openess in the moment, a constructed personality and set of behaviours intervenes… even if they were functional and not charge in fight or flight response, they are not my heart. they are not my true voice.
The invisible blocks that bar the free flow of love create a tectonic plate resistance that like a false surface trap my true face behind a persona and burden me with the weight of unnatural being.