Autobiographical
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Puzzle of Community
I am not sure I can form attachment bonds to others. I can love: deeply and sincerely too, but it’s of the moment. Setting aside society’s moral ideal of eternal love, why is it so? There is perhaps too much fear of the other. Or, like a candle sharing its flame to light another, one…
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Being Nice
I am nice because I’m scared, and within the realm of social community, niceness keeps me safe, from the evil eye of negative judgment. Because that’s all it takes, for all the doors to close: to be locked out of a group, and fall out of civilization, into, homelessness, and sheer life or death survival,…
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Intention
To be fully present. Here: Now. Only. Totally. Traceless of past. Desireless of future. Free of the present. To see through the uniqueness of our lives to the Oneness of Self in all. To pass through beyond self-identity with the uniqueness of our life’s form into the Oneness of Self in all, and return, with…
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Too unstable for enlightenment
The survival response to trauma keeps the mind intensely focused on the embodied emergency of the organism and the seemingly self-evident suffering of the personal self. Self-identity with the intensity of pain and strong emotion further pollutes the psychological self with a victim-self-consciousness that strengthens the disconnection and duality of subject/object that is itself the…
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Song of the Centipede
Something poisonous bit my cheek, by my ear, as I slept, rage at the pain filled my spirit with the venom of a heartless hate, as my consciousness expanded to hunt and destroy the hated thing that had done this. The opening window of my seeing locked on to its target, I saw her –…
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Making Peace with Neurological Disability
Lately, after reading Love Matters, and watching Crappy Childhood Fairy content the relationship between neurological issues and psychological issues has become clearer. Basically it’s kind of like this: Trauma that happens to an established psychological self can be healed on a psychological level. Trauma that happens prior to or in the absence of a psychological…
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CPTSD
Our mind’s are built for us, by the adult’s in our childhoods. Each interaction a response to our existence: shaping and defining our self-concept in the world. Linguistic interactions between cognitive selves, can be talked through and re-conditioned. But, prelinguistic input prior to a cognitive self, becomes neurological, physiological, epigenetic. I – the conscious self-…
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A Truer Self
Dear inner self, I had a dream I bumped into myself in the street – the poet version of myself. He told me I was in his way and pushed me. I pushed him back and with some ultra-violent kill-all-threats response shoved him into a fence – piercing his throat on a fence spike while…
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Intention 2023
Embodied Presence. More nature. More Self-Love. Compassion for the person I am. More waterfalls. More sacred waters. More awareness embodied in my body. More will to live. More blessings. More stability. More money. Putting the past in rear-view mirror. Flooding the body with consciousness and love. Stability in the midst of changing life. Shiva Lingam-Eye…
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Epigenetic Autism?
What is wrong with me? Mid-30’s, no home, no friends, never had a long lasting relationship, and can’t keep a job. Why am I writing this? I have to try and understand myself. A human psyche exists as a voice: an inner voice. However, a voice only exists in relation to an audience. It is…
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Learn Love
Love is the source of life. Love is the living well of movement, of self, of will, of action. Without love, life is just fading momentum without true propulsion the meaningless escape of residual heat without real fire: mechanical, violent, arbitrary. My loveless little heart can not nourish it’s own life force, let alone be…
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The dysfunctional adult at work.
As an adult, I get into a lot of interpersonal conflicts. Thankfully, I didn’t get to 35 without some self-awareness. I know I am different. I know I am what some polite people call an intense personality, or a difficult character, and what more honest people call unhinged, weird, or crazy. But you know what?…
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Rishikesh 2019
Ramana’s Garden, Lakshman Jhula, Rishikesh 2019 Many happy memories. My first time working with children. My Guru at the time told me I should be working with children over and over again. She finally set it up for me to volunteer at Ramana’s Garden orphanage and school. The founder had been a disciple of the…