Healing Journey
These blog post log my journey to mental wholeness through psychotherapy, medicine journeys, spiritual retreats, and life lessons…
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Puzzle of Community
I am not sure I can form attachment bonds to others. I can love: deeply and sincerely too, but it’s of the moment. Setting aside society’s moral ideal of eternal love, why is it so? There is perhaps too much fear of the other. Or, like a candle sharing its flame to light another, one…
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Being Nice
I am nice because I’m scared, and within the realm of social community, niceness keeps me safe, from the evil eye of negative judgment. Because that’s all it takes, for all the doors to close: to be locked out of a group, and fall out of civilization, into, homelessness, and sheer life or death survival,…
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Book: Why Love Matters
Reading this book has honestly been life-changing. It has allowed me to locate my organism’s (mind-body) relational dysfunctionality within a framework of understanding. Allowing me to better understand myself as a whole, care for myself, and move forward in the right directions for healing. It really should be mandatory reading for all mentally disordered people…
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True Speech
Immured in this culture of social acceptability we fail to see the linguistic hoops and convoluted emotional strategies that keep the rigid super-structure of public social life standing. Language is convention. Language is scales upon scales of block code: basic generic units constructing further modules that themselves form sequences. Yet all speech (as all representation)…
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Intention
To be fully present. Here: Now. Only. Totally. Traceless of past. Desireless of future. Free of the present. To see through the uniqueness of our lives to the Oneness of Self in all. To pass through beyond self-identity with the uniqueness of our life’s form into the Oneness of Self in all, and return, with…
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Too unstable for enlightenment
The survival response to trauma keeps the mind intensely focused on the embodied emergency of the organism and the seemingly self-evident suffering of the personal self. Self-identity with the intensity of pain and strong emotion further pollutes the psychological self with a victim-self-consciousness that strengthens the disconnection and duality of subject/object that is itself the…
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Intermittent Sense of Self
When you have childhood trauma – and you’ve experienced the total loss of a psychological self in the physiological urgency of the neurological survival response – you are always on the verge of fully re-entering survival emergency mode and losing the psychological sense of self that exists in states of basic physiological safety. If the…
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Song of the Centipede
Something poisonous bit my cheek, by my ear, as I slept, rage at the pain filled my spirit with the venom of a heartless hate, as my consciousness expanded to hunt and destroy the hated thing that had done this. The opening window of my seeing locked on to its target, I saw her –…
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Making Peace with Neurological Disability
Lately, after reading Love Matters, and watching Crappy Childhood Fairy content the relationship between neurological issues and psychological issues has become clearer. Basically it’s kind of like this: Trauma that happens to an established psychological self can be healed on a psychological level. Trauma that happens prior to or in the absence of a psychological…
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CPTSD
Our mind’s are built for us, by the adult’s in our childhoods. Each interaction a response to our existence: shaping and defining our self-concept in the world. Linguistic interactions between cognitive selves, can be talked through and re-conditioned. But, prelinguistic input prior to a cognitive self, becomes neurological, physiological, epigenetic. I – the conscious self-…
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Limerence
Limerence is the fever dream of the broken-hearted child: that still lives inside you, still grieves inside you, yearning to be held: to be emotionally completed by that idealized mother, by that idealized other. That child’s stream of grieving, stream of yearning; stream of dreaming, pouring forth through the channels of your adult mind like…
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A Truer Self
Dear inner self, I had a dream I bumped into myself in the street – the poet version of myself. He told me I was in his way and pushed me. I pushed him back and with some ultra-violent kill-all-threats response shoved him into a fence – piercing his throat on a fence spike while…
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Intention 2023
Embodied Presence. More nature. More Self-Love. Compassion for the person I am. More waterfalls. More sacred waters. More awareness embodied in my body. More will to live. More blessings. More stability. More money. Putting the past in rear-view mirror. Flooding the body with consciousness and love. Stability in the midst of changing life. Shiva Lingam-Eye…
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Epigenetic Autism?
What is wrong with me? Mid-30’s, no home, no friends, never had a long lasting relationship, and can’t keep a job. Why am I writing this? I have to try and understand myself. A human psyche exists as a voice: an inner voice. However, a voice only exists in relation to an audience. It is…
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Learn Love
Love is the source of life. Love is the living well of movement, of self, of will, of action. Without love, life is just fading momentum without true propulsion the meaningless escape of residual heat without real fire: mechanical, violent, arbitrary. My loveless little heart can not nourish it’s own life force, let alone be…
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Victory
Victory is this: hand on heart, rejoicing “I love you all, and, I’m grateful for every one and everything” wearing every moment lived like the beads of a beaded necklace: the stellar corona of your unseen heart. singing your life as a devotional song filling the empty and silent with music: ever celebrating this infinite…
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The dysfunctional adult at work.
As an adult, I get into a lot of interpersonal conflicts. Thankfully, I didn’t get to 35 without some self-awareness. I know I am different. I know I am what some polite people call an intense personality, or a difficult character, and what more honest people call unhinged, weird, or crazy. But you know what?…
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Ongoing Research notes: Vagus Nerve stimulation
When in fight or flight it’s very hard to be conscious enough to move yourself out of the continuum of contracted life-form focused survival consciousness. So the witnessing distance to observe and respond rather than react can’t activate. So if “triggers” are things that put us back into fight or flight – “glimmers” take us…
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Re-Parenting Inner children.
This page: https://www.abandonment.net/are-you-alone-stuck-in-a-pattern-and-cant-get-out-10-ways-out – really summed up the active trauma loop I am re-living over and over again. I’ve never had a long-term relationship, my issues is with jobs! I get fired or let go continuously. I seem to always engineer a situation where I am kicked out. This video on abandonment as a cumulative…
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Impersonally & Compassionately Being with Jealousy
Intention: My intention is to be able to remain at peace when this difficult emotion/vibration comes up. To simply no longer take it personally, but rather welcome it and give it permission to be in my body without reacting to it or identifying with it. To be able to remain present as presence: holding it…
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Impersonally & Compassionately Being with Anger and Victimhood
Intention: My intention is to be able to remain at peace when this difficult emotion/vibration comes up. To simply no longer take it personally, but rather welcome it and give it permission to be in my body without reacting to it or identifying with it. To be able to remain present as presence: holding it…
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Ho’oponopono Prayer and Meditation
“Self-knowledge isn’t necessarily good news”. I think this points to the fact that increasing awareness needs to go hand in hand with increasing compassion and love. As you become aware of unconsciousness and lovelessness in yourself – the initial impulse might be self-judgment and self-hatred. This brings up the importance of self-forgiveness and self-compassion. For…