Intention:
My intention is to be able to remain at peace when this difficult emotion/vibration comes up. To simply no longer take it personally, but rather welcome it and give it permission to be in my body without reacting to it or identifying with it. To be able to remain present as presence: holding it in impersonal awareness that remains now – while feelingly in embodied contact with the sensation of it in the present – and holding it in unconditional love. To purify personal identification with this information and all the patterns of feeling, thought, and behavior. The end goal is to be able to simply be with; to sit with it and allow it in the body without holding on to it, resisting it, or identifying with it.
Having been disassociated for a long time and only recently able to feel my emotions and my body, I simply don’t have the tools yet to be able to observe it from a distance without getting sucked into it. I also didn’t grow up with healthy models of how to self-regulate or socially express this energy in healthy ways – so with all these difficult feelings and areas I am undertaking a conscious exploration of them to ease my way into these scary places and find a way to stabilize in peace with them.
Where I am now:
Fear Body, Pain Body, Self Hate, Protective Self – I think all these models are attempts to map the same psycho-spiritual phenomena I think is best described by Gangaji as “dark, murky energy”: which for me, is the lovelessness in us that is inherent to body-identified personal consciousness. I believe identification itself – selfhood – is projected onto what is loved. That love is selfhood. That we literally are what we love: the limited personal consciousness is individuated precisely by the horizons of an unopened heart’s limited love.
The individuated psyche further splits from itself when it encounters aspects of itself it can not love. We move from being identified with our whole body-mind into increasing disassociation as we find aspects of our physical and emotional body-mind we “other”: make alien, no longer love.
The goal for personal wellness is the integration of all aspects of the felt body-mind to create an integrated whole-body self by holding the whole of our individuated personal consciousness – including our lovelessness – within the field of unconditional self-love.
The goal for interpersonal wellness it the integration of all aspects of being – regardless of form or vibration – into a single self by holding all in the impersonal unconditional love of pure formless awareness.