Something poisonous bit my cheek, by my ear, as I slept,
rage at the pain filled my spirit with the venom of a heartless hate,
as my consciousness expanded to hunt and destroy
the hated thing that had done this.
The opening window of my seeing locked on to its target,
I saw her – a giant centipede – hiding, nearby, in darkness.
Ready to whisper-weave curses of death and destruction
into the heart of her psychic-vibrational fabric,
she showed me her heart, her remorse, and her life.
Merging with her consciousness
I knew her spirit as my own.
As I raged on against the agony of her poison
– waves upon waves: stacking new dimensions of pain –
– one on top of the other –
a fever dream of her hatching and journey through life unfolded.
How could I hate a life like my own?
That journeys through trials and just wants to live.
More than mercy, sister spirit I give you heartfelt gratitude.
Your bite was our union: and our perfect oneness
has opened a portal for my heart to evolve and open.
As I learn not to hate what has caused me immense pain,
I enter a new phase of renewed Oneness with all.
You bit me out of reflex when triggered by fear.
Your mind a machine – that automatic –
operated without the consent of your remorseful heart.
I see now my childhood abusers were the same.
Helplessly hostage, their hearts were over powered
by the dark impersonal and causal momentum of their own minds,
that smothered their heart’s better voices into silent defeat.
So that, helpless as drift wood in a raging ocean,
their hearts could only witness in remorseful silence
the abuses that acted through them, to cause my great pain.
For too long too,
have I made the same mistake as them:
mistakenly blaming their hostaged helpless hearts
for the impersonal acting-out of their unmastered minds.
Oh dear hearts forgive me for hating you!
You are not your minds.
And your minds are not agents,
but mere impersonal momentum
of ignorance and causality
rolling through time.
O beloved centipede, I see in this the perfection of your teaching
– whispered into my listening ear –
This is the lesson in radical forgiveness that i wanted and needed
– to set me free from the walls of hate I had built
to keep out those that had hurt me –
Thank you God for this teacher and teaching.
For I was filled with poison and it caused me great pain:
the poison of a lifetime of hate and anger at childhood abusers:
the poison of a victim-consciousness that had closed my heart shut,
that had made me so venomous that whenever someone offended or inconvenienced me – my mind would swell with wrath and cruelty – visualizing their torture and destruction.
And spiral into dark circular negative thinking that would attack and erode my spirit and life.
Whose cruelty is this and where did it come from?
One of my childhood abusers was a black american. When he was beating and strangling me as a child he was passing on a generations old transmission of rage and cruelty, domination and submission.
This thing, now in me, is not mine. It is not theirs. It is powerful psychic momentum enmeshed in a image/experience that consciousness collectively has rejected to experience.
Fine. Humanity. I will devour this thing for you. I will hold it all in my consciousness bright and clear and see perfectly that it is empty and irrelevant to the formless perfect oneness of the one being-self.
For this is human-venom: unwanted experiences hated out of consciousness; dividing the one. And, its transmission is abuse and trauma: the passage of ignorance through the continuum of mind.
And, the end of all that: the stilling of this dark momentum, is in learning not to hate was has caused you great pain. In regaining oneness of heart with all that was rejected. And in seeing through form, to the unity of life.
For as long as this open-hearted state of expansion lasts,
the activities of all life-forms in awareness fulfill me as if my own.
Oneness is real, and hate is illusion.
As this awareness expands into both greater light and greater darkness – until my heart faces its next trial in finding perfection and unconditional oneness with challenging forms – know this God, I love you, and will find you in all.